Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
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Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
we all know this pain all too well
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before