Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.