i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
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I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Breaking news:
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
How I like cutting carbs
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords