I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
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[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog