Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
You Might Also Like
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement