I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
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*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.