CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
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i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”