[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
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My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Customer is always right
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
mood
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?