Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
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Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
My god she’s good.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I have questions??
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
This makes total sense…