GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
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Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*pronounces patio like ratio
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer