People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
You Might Also Like
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.