Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
You Might Also Like
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.