“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
The Assassin.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY