My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.