me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
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Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I don’t share cheese on the first date.