5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You Might Also Like
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense