*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
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I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too