I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
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The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
😂😂😂
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Covid like
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Why is no one talking about this?!