me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
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Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
This could be us but you eatin’
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
A ghost story
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip