I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
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What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.