It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
also my go-to takeaway order
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
accurate
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.