They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?