me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now