Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
#damn
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters