ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
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I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Smile they said.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Every. Damn. Time.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]