Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
absolutely not
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”