In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
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tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
accurate
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
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