The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
You Might Also Like
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
The Friday File.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.