me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I can’t stop watching this.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
This hospital has everything
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children