ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“The Perfect Relationship”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box