[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
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After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
*looks at you in batman voice*
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Good morning
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!