Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.