Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….