One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
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Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Brilliant!
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
who will stop them
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
So, can we agree on 4 or