Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”