Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
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Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.