We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I only eat vegetarians.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.