[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.