BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Speak now or ever hold your peace
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.