me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]