Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I didn’t realize that was an option
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
my name if I was in the mob
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Stonehinge
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says