[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.