Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
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Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out