ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
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CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My blood type is coffee.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.