What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
reviewed some movies recently
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
found this cool rock hiking today
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it