Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I am also baked goods
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup