Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
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♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?