Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
You Might Also Like
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.