My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah