The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
When they try to steal your moment.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.